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How To Write a Yelp Review

Mitch D. is the only good and pure thing in this world since you all started being assholes on the internet

Listen up, dipshits:

Barely any of you can review food.

Sorry, but it’s true.

No one cares that you got a 96 one time on an English test in your final year of High School. You suck at writing food reviews.

Here’s how to write a good one.

  1. BE BRIEF! If you start telling me about the weather on the day you went, you can fuck right off! Nobody cares. Keep it short.
  2. DO NOT TELL ME ANYTHING THAT ISN’T ABOUT THE FOOD OR THE WAIT TO GET THE FOOD. Oh, you think the decor is a bad example of art deco? WHO GIVES A HAIRY FUCK? I want to eat.
  3. TELL ME, IN ORDER, WHAT DISHES YOU HAD. Don’t tell me anything else about the menu except your personal experience. I don’t give a witch’s asshair what “everyone says to get.” Everyone is an idiot, like you.
  4. TELL ME EXACTLY WHY IT WAS GOOD OR NOT GOOD. If there weren’t enough vegetables, NO ONE GIVES A NUN’S FART. How were the vegetables? Undercooked? Overcooked? What were they sauced in? Was the sauce salty? Was there enough sauce?
  5. DON’T TELL ME THAT THE WAITRESS WAS RUDE TO YOU. If it takes you 1200 words to describe a fuckin’ Chimichanga at lunch, I think I already know why.
  6. TELL ME WHAT YOU WOULD ORDER AGAIN. Just give me the list, and save the fuckin’ flowers. No one cares.
  7. DON’T TELL ME YOU HAVE A BETTER PLACE TO GO TO UNLESS THAT PLACE IS IN THE SAME CITY. No one wants to know, you suburb-dwelling Milestones-ass bitch!

That’s it. And take some fucking decent pictures of the food. Learn how to use a camera before you go out in public, dumbass.

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